What is up? Or down?

Woah! Last update in Nov last year... Talk about procrastination people...

I've been meaning to update this dear blog of mine for the longest time but never had the perfect time to do so. Yeah, as if perfect timing exists.

I had quite a number of misfortune this year alone. In Feb, I had ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Shattered my world, inside and out. I was traumatized... Well still am actually. I did not know I was pregnant in the first place. Long story.. Maybe I will write about it some other time.

A month or so after the surgery to remove my left Fallopian tube, I developed multiple joint pain. Major pain. Until now.
I've been spending a lot of money seeing numerous doctor for a diagnosis but to no avail. One doctor finally asked me to go see a rheumatologist.

The thing about rheumatologist is that they are rare to find. For private hospitals, only the big ones will have them. And all big private hospitals located far from home. Not convenient. So I turned to Gov hospital. Waiting line in Gov hospital is no fun but at least I'm getting necessary help.

My appointment with them will be in early September. I can't wait. Please pray for me.

On a lighter note, Bebe Ian is now almost 31 months old! Yeah, I can't believe it myself... Time just passed you by.
He can speak more clearly and more expressive. I love him so much. :)

Ending privilege...

Today marks the last day Bebe Ian is under the care of my SIL. Tomorrow she will fly back to her hometown and by Monday next week I will have to send Bebe Ian to the brand new babysitter all the way to Nilai.

I have visited the babysitter's home unannounced last Wednesday and her house was cozy, clean and the other 3 older kids under her care were pleasant. This babysitter was actually my husband's ex-neighbor when he was still renting in Nilai. We chose her because the place is so much nearer to husband's office and also our new-soon-to-be-home.

It will be quite a lot for me to juggle with starting next week. Waking up extra early, dealing with half asleep baby, preparing stuff to bring over to babysitter's house, crazy early morning crawl out of Equine... Argh..

We chose to buy raw ingredients for babysitter to cook for Bebe Ian... So it will be like a weekly supply. I'm thinking to pack Bebe's Ian own water bottle too... Gosh, I feel like packing the house for him... I feel sad, Bebe Ian used to have all his stuff within reach the whole day and soon he will only have the necessities. Lucky this babysitter familiar in handling BM.. So I see no problem in that.

What about toys? Maybe I pack one or two... And nap time another headache. I have to pack the swing set for maybe the first week. Bebe Ian naps only in it during the day.

Argh, so many stuff to think about right now. How I wish I got retrenched already so that I will become a full time mother to my son. Oh yes, the company is closing our Cyberjaya branch. Another post on this soon. Please pray for me that IT will be soon. I can't wait!

I hope Bebe Ian will be just fine with this new babysitter. He will cry a lot for maybe a few days like he always do whenever there's a change of relative to take care of him. In time he will get used to the new arrangement. And I just need to be strong.

Enough already!

When u keep repeating it over and over again it will get so annoying that I feel like shutting my ears whenever you open your mouth.

Please just accept, deal and live with it.

Kusut

Exactly how i feel right now.

OMG

I dreamt that I was pregnant again... Like IN THE MOMENT, when Bebe Ian is just 7 1/2 months young... So vividly clear... and real and I was half cursing myself for not keeping to my 2-years-gap-before-getting pregnant-for-the-next-one plan...

I know it's all in God's plan anyway.. But I really would like Bebe Ian to be a toddler first before having another baby... :) Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against mothers who have another child every single year...It's our own choice isn't it?

*** Bebe Ian was in a BAD mood last night... and he BIT me! OUCH!!

Spooked?!

Bebe Ian had have trouble sleeping on last Saturday (27/8) nite. Why? I don't know. Whenever we try to put him to bed he will howl like one abused baby... But he was already really sleepy..He finally fell asleep for a while at 1am (usually his bedtime is around 10pm). But not for long. When we try to transfer him to the main bed he will cry, cry and cry again. Feared that he maybe sick (although he has no fever) we brought him to the doctor the next morning after Sunday mass. But the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. That night the same thing happened again. So out of desperation I started to sprinkle Holy Water all over the bedroom and husband burned some incense to fume the room (the same one they use during mass)... My MIL started her prayers and amazingly Bebe Ian stopped crying and fell asleep ! So MIL (and also my mom after I told her) concluded that SOMETHING may have disturbed Bebe Ian... Scary huh? But thank God that he's okay after that incident... And I never fail to sprinkle some Holy Water around during bedtime nowadays. So I guess when people say babies are sensitive to such disturbances, they were right after all.

In War with Measles

Sigh... Bebe Ian is down with measles... Started having high temperature on 16/8/2011 (in KK) morning but
 when we brought him to the doctor, the rashes were not out yet. So the Dr just prescribed us with fever syrup and asked us to give him more plain water. Just before noon, when his forehead has started to feel warmer, I notice that his body (trunk area) was covered with small red spots... OMG... Then my mom checked, and she concluded that it's measles..... CRAP.

We flew back to KL on the same evening and poor Ian was sleeping while latching onto my breast the whole journey and he was very warm to the touch. That night was our first ordeal taking care of a sick baby. Ian has never came down with a fever before and we were left clueless as to how to handle him in such situation. Luckily my mother in law is with us and she too told us that it's measles and nothing could be done but these;

1. Do not give Ian a bath YET.
2. Continue giving fever medicine when temperature is high.
3. Breastfeed. Luckily Ian wants to suckle my breast non stop since he started developing fever. So at least his getting his milk just fine.
4. Give plain water.
5. Continue solid feeding.
6. Do not eat spicy food (This is for myself because I breastfeed Ian).
7. Asked husband to try find a fresh coconut to bath Ian with... Plucked coconut not those fallen ones. Now where can we get one in KL?

Thank God his fever has gone as of yesterday afternoon. And I just hope it's only a matter of time for the whole spots to appear and then he will recover fully. It's just sad to see him so weak and crying all the time. Me and husband have not been sleeping well for the past 2 nights too, so exhausting!

Anyone has experience dealing with measles before? I remembered I was down with chicken pox when I was in primary school... And that was BAD. Hope mothers out there could share your thoughts on this. TQ

mOmma, I want you...

I am looking for this brand of bottle mOmma zero+ for the last 2 weeks and to no avail. Went to Mum's Care and several other boutiques in MV last weekend and all they have is the rocking bottle...

Still having problem with bottle feeding Ian... Hmm the silk teat MAM does help a little though... But his intake is still less than what it should be... Thinking that it could be the teat flow problem I bought these:

I've tried finding this mOmma bottle online but so far all the online sites has yet to reply me on pre-ordering... Sigh.

Just a thought: Maybe I should start Ian on solid food earlier...

Eyes wide open

It's 3.23am and I am wide awake... Ian decided to have his meal earlier tonite... He's finally back asleep while I can't... Tried but failed.

Checked my Fb wall and nothing's special... My Tweetdeck has only 5 new ones... Argh so bored..

So let me rant about something. I HATE noisy car/motorbike!!! At this hour those idiotic morons are driving / riding their (normally cheap) vehicles like hell outside of my house. And Ian will get startled. If only I have a gun I will shoot them one by one and to teach them a lesson. But who am I kidding.. Of course I can't have a gun.. So all I can do is curse them whenever they pass by my house.

I think I better try to go back to sleep now. I need all the rest I can get before the next meal. Nite all!

Post post natal

Hi blog! I've been missing for a very long time and goodness!? My last post was before I deliver my baby??
Long story short, I gave birth to baby Ian on 2/2/2011... Normal delivery and yes it was painful as hell... But worth it!! I get a beautiful, healthy baby boy out of it... Hehe

Now Ian is almost 4 months old and my life is so much fun now... Even with so much things going on around me everything will disappear once Ian smiles at me... 

My routine at work has changed greatly as well... Now I have to set aside time for pumping session to prepare supply for Ian at home... The pumping sessions are fun because I can distract myself from my ever mundane work but at times are hard because of insufficient time... But I'll do anything for Ian...  Thank God the bosses are understanding and allow me to take time to pump at work because I know of some mothers who are unable to continue to breastfeed their babies because they can't express milk at work... Sad

Although I breastfeed Ian, I do supplement with fm if my supply at home is not enough. Currently giving him Mamex Gold after he started to vomit out Enfalac A+... so far the tolerancy is fine but since I hardly give him fm anyways it's hard to tell .. Another major problem with not breastfeeding Ian is that he hates bottle feeding... Am currently using Avent bottle with teat no 2... Tried Tommee Tippee bottle before but he refused to drink at all... Tried avent bottle with NUK teat is not working as well... Mothers out there, any tips? Really a problem when want to bottlefeed him.. He will only drink when he's sleepy and right after he wakes up after nap... Currently my sis in law ia taking care of him while I'm at work and I'm worried Ian will not have enough milk throughout the day... For the whole day my SIL only manages to give him 16-18oz of EBM... And when I get home I will bf as normal...

I hope mothers out there can share your thoughts on this... 

Dark & Bright

Yesterday, as expected my ever dearest boss, the biggest one (both in power and size, at least among the bosses in M'sia office) decided to make my life miserable by not approving my non pay leave right after my xmas leave. She asked me to come back in Jan to work for 2 weeks then only fly back home again... WTF.

By that time it will be nearing my 36th weeks gestation and the thought of flying when I'm that "heavy" is scary. I even doubt the airline will allow me on board at that time. My doc forbids me to board airline after the 16/1/2010 but do I dare to fly at all during that period?

I somehow understand her given reason though. Not enough resources to cover my stuff. But then again, that's the point of telling you earlier, my dear boss. That you will have enough time to find that resources. Crap and crap.

What to do, what to do... Well, I did speak out my mind to my direct boss, smaller than the first one. So I guess I'll have to wait and see the next verdict.

I was so pissed yesterday and I have the thought to quit my job. But then I finally came to my senses that not having my own money will sucks big time. Really sucks.

Okay bitter part aside, let me look at the brighter, happier and fun side. This coming Friday, I will witness my first international tennis match called the Showdown of Champions, A Night of Aces... Hhehehe... Wanna see how pretty Anna Kournikova is in person... Excited! Ohh, I will go with my husband coz I won 2 tickets worth RM188 each through Redfm... I luv you Redfm. :D The seatings are not bad too for these tics, just at the side of the court, the call it golden seating. Grin.

And next week... OMG, I will go attend Glam Nation Tour concert on the 14th!!! Ngeheheehe.... I have been waiting since last year for Adam Lambert to come to M'sia and I will finally see him (from a far) next freaking week! This one I have to buy the tickets myself coz I don't dare to gamble and wait whether I will win any from any sponsors / radio stations. Ticket sales started on 14/9 and I bought on the same day. Haha, that's how agitated I was to get hold of the tickets. Seating plan wise, ok la. I guess. I hope so! Husband is tagging along cause he said nobody will take care of me during the concert, and one of my dear friend is coming too. My initial partner to go... Yes yes....Hehehe I can even feel my baby inside of me is excited to go as well. Haha.

Wah... can't wait for these events... I'm so demotivated at work now that I need more fun things to do. Another 2 ++ hours to go before office hours ended for today. Argh!!... (Don't judge, I know you've been slacking off during office hours too :P)

Dumping business ... WTF

Lately, there were just too many cases of baby dumping... I don't get it. I'm sure many of you don't get it either. I mean why? Why eff around and not taking responsibility for your actions? And to the mothers, how could they? How could you NOT want your own baby?

People may say, they were scared of what people may think of them for having a child out of wedlock... But then by dumping and letting your baby die out of nowhere is OK? I think it's just pure stupidity.

Today I heard news about the first school in Malacca that will accept pregnant students or those teenage moms who wish to continue their unfinished studies. Maybe this is a good way to let these girls to get their educations no matter what has happened. But.... Something need to be done before the problem occurs in the first place. I still think sex education in school (especially in secondary school) is vital to curb such problems.

Parents also have to play the ultimate role in educating their kids about sex. They can no longer sit around and wait till their kids are old enough to find out what sex is all about. Nowadays, it might just be too late.

I really hope the youngsters will soon learn from all these baby dumping news/highlights and it shouldn't happen again in the future. I can only hope.

Such negativity!

I am seriously feeling demotivated with my life right now... Some of my colleagues have tendered their resignations and they will be out by June... Me? Whenever someone asked what am I going to do next, I will shrugged. I myself don't have the answer right now. Sit and wait? Whenever I feel the urge to apply for a new position I will be left thinking... if I were to be the employer, would I be hiring me? I don't think so... at least not to the position I wanted to apply to...

I NEED a direction in life. Where can I find it? I feel LOST and so insecure right now... Feel STUPID and unloved... How do you do it? To be sure of something? I just don't know...

I don't find any real pleasures in life anymore... My life is as dull as it can be. Sure I have a loving husband, but sometimes I doubt that he understood me the way I wanted him to be. I have a loving family, but they are so far from me, I can't reach them as frequent as I wanted to. I have friends... but we all have our own journey to ride... What else is missing?

People starting to give comments of maybe I should just start a family and focus on them.. Sure, I would love that more than anything.. but they don't actually fall down from the sky do they? Why can't I just be happy?

Lost World

Just when I thought I am the most screwed up person in this world, I came to know that
there are actually more people that I know ended up in this same boat that I'm in now...
What a life.

Today a good friend of mine shared with me about the feeling of being LOST. More of being uncertain of what path should we choose in life... I guess for me it will be career wise.

What should I do next? Lab work? Highly unlikely... Back to insurance line? Argh... even the thought of actually doing the things I used to do makes my head ache... So stay in this current one? It's leading me to nowhere... So what then? My husband asked me to set a goal... I don't even know how to set for one right now.

I know most of you will think how irresponsible I must be... Approaching 30 years old this year and still unsure about career path. I envy people who has been doing the same thing forever... Like most of my Uni friends who took up teaching course right after they graduate. Some were lucky enough to get to work in the gov sector. Now they are teachers, high ranked gov officers and I doubt that they will have to think to change their careers anymore.

Sometimes I do regret of my chosen field of study. Maybe I should have chosen something that is more career specific... But there's no point in dwelling the past anyway.

This can go on all night long and will come to no conclusion. The sharing I had with that friend I mentioned also ended the same. Guess it's easy to find a job ... but to find a job that you really love and passion about is like searching for a needle in the mountain of hay.

What the heck do you want from me?

I am mad. I'm mad that I let myself to be in this place again. I'm tired of believing that things are going to be better if I'd be nicer, gentler and mindful of other people's feelings. So damn tired of thinking what the hell have I done to deserve this. I am done.

Bangas!

Doi, kalau ini blog makanan, bangas sepuluh ribu kali suda... Kekeke....

Mixed feelings...

I have a lot of things going through my mind at the moment. The wedding, health issues amongst my family and my partner's family, money issues, and now my sister.... argh... So tiring.

I wish I can just disappear into thin air and not having to deal with all this. I don't know whether I am capable to deal with all this. I don't know whether I am strong enough.

What have I done wrong to deserve this?

Weekend... It's a bland one.

Oh yes, been alone in the house since last Friday nite. The thing is my partner left for his overseas trip for a week and I have nothing scheduled for the weekend. Argh... so bored. Woke up, watched TV, surf the net, eat... I did all that in repetition mode. Went out for awhile for breakfast yesterday and have been inside the house ever since. When think about it, I can actually hit the gym in between... but I was to lazy to drive... So...

Good thing that I have something to look forward to come next weekend... Yey... can't wait for the Shape Run 2009!!! This will be my second run and I couldn't be more excited!!

To add to the fun, the run will be at nite, how cool is that! I signed up for 11.5km and gosh, I haven't been practicing. (Note to self: Gotta hit the treadmill MORE this week) Or else, I'll be panting like mad during the run... and I don't want that.

Wonder how's the weekend been treating you guys so far? Bet you guys had more exciting stuffs happened. I will try to do a lot of blog-hopping soon... so hope to read nice posts from you guys... :)

*** Just want to share something... My partner actually bought me a book before he left for his trip... and I think it's like an act of comforting me because he had to leave me alone for a week.. so sweet...

Poisoned

I'm currently at home. Or to be exact, spending most of my time running to the loo at home. You see, I just came back from KK on wee hours of yesterday and up until now, I am still down with food poisoning. It started on Monday noon and up till now I'm still suffering from diarrhoea, nausea and stomach cramp till now.
I still went to work yesterday cause I really2 have too. And I even went out for dinner for my colleague's farewell last nite. But today I decided to see my doctor and rest at home (where the toilet is nearer).
Most of my family members were also down with food poisoning and are recovering at home. My partner was excluded though. Hmm... I suspected it was the shellfish or could be the chunks of big fish we bought in Tuaran.

What a disaster!

Procrastination

What a word. But I do this a lot. Really A LOT... How should I not do this too often? It's a total bliss to let go of everything at that specific moment and swore yourself to get back to them later. Later, will there be any?